It’s a year that gave us shiddle-diddle and “the violent torpedo of truth”; SlutWalk and lingerie football; a Toronto mayor fleeing a fake warrior princess; and what some consider real barbarians surging to a majority in Ottawa. It brought the Arab Spring and Weinergate; Osama bin Laden’s death and a temporary Kardashian wedding; a Liberal minority in Ontario and economic turmoil around the world. In short, it’s been a chaotic year. One that reeled from farce to tragedy — and back again — full of drama, pathos and nonsense.
With so many possibilities for the Star’s traditional year-end Darts & Laurels, and so little space, we offer a modest selection as rude and varied as the year itself:
PETER MacKAY: For lacklustre excuses. As Canada’s defence minister you enjoy perks like luxury hotel suites and use of our rescue helicopters as your private taxi service. We get it. You feel entitled to your entitlements. But you could at least take the trouble to devise a better pretense for your excesses. A helicopter search and rescue demonstration? Really? You’re just not trying. Look at your cabinet colleague Tony Clement. He got eight of the world’s leaders dragged out to Muskoka last year just to excuse his wanton pork-barrelling. He gets an A for effort.
STANLEY: For perseverance. As the Prime Minister’s cat we can only shudder at what you must endure for your daily bowl of Meow Mix. There’s probably catnip rationing, Kitty Litter cutbacks, and having to listen as Stephen Harper endlessly rehearses his limited repertoire of popular tunes. “What would you do if I sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me?” And there you are, trapped without the power of speech to scream: “Yes, I bloody well would!”
TIM HUDAK: For an intergalactic cover-up. Last month you tweeted a string of apparent gibberish: “Xkdkdkdsdf. $$$$$$$bnncfnrn.” and “Cvbbcbcbnfgbfbfbfbfbf.” You quickly explained that your daughter had been playing with your cellphone. Yeah, sure. Blame the kid. Obviously, these were communications with your home planet. That would explain your oddly wooden performance on the campaign trail as Ontario Conservative leader, and your unearthly policies.
DALTON McGUINTY: For constant inconsistency. After enduring years of criticism for flip-flopping on everything from tax hikes to allowing the gladiatorial combat that is mixed martial arts, a lesser Ontario premier might have changed his ways and tried harder to keep promises. Not you. Even during the last election you flip-flopped on a Mississauga power plant (we’re still waiting to see the bill). And now you’re reversing yourself on banning incandescent bulbs, and are considering backing away from your promise on corporate taxes. Bravo. That’s the reliability we’ve come to expect.
REBECCA BLACK: For mercilessly slapping our ears. You’re only 14 but you’ve already managed to offend all true music aficionados with Friday (just Google it), a mindless anthem so popular on iTunes and YouTube that it’s been viewed more than 180 million times. Featuring poignant lyrics like: “Fun, fun, fun, fun lookin’ forward to the weekend,” and “we, we, we so excited,” it’s low-rent ridiculous. But don’t worry. Your future is assured. A star is born.
VINCE SHLOMI: For disappearing. Most of us know you as that obnoxious Slap Chop guy and are grateful to find you notably absent from our television screens this holiday season. Hopefully you’ve shelved your horrible food-mangling machine, tucked your ShamWow under your arm, and toddled off to permanent retirement. Pity you didn’t take the Chia Pet with you.
ROD BLAGOJEVICH: For keeping faith with history. Your 14-year sentence on corruption charges, including trying to sell President Barack Obama’s Senate seat, makes you the fourth Illinois governor to go to prison in the past four decades. It’s quite a tradition. Two more Illinois governors were charged with crimes but later acquitted. Spoil sports.
ROB and DOUG FORD: For making our job so much easier. On behalf of grateful editorial writers, cartoonists and commentators everywhere, we thank you, Mr. Mayor, and your city councillor brother Doug, for your zealous service to our cause. Your generous girth and small ideas provide endless opportunity for mocking by our colleagues who sketch for a living. And your blatant hypocrisy, heartless cost-cutting, broken promises, feckless waste of money, and 1950s-era vision for the city provide a bonanza for the rest of us. Cheers, you’ve got three more years to go! You’ll surely accomplish more. After all, Rome wasn’t burned in a day.
Original Article
Source: Star
With so many possibilities for the Star’s traditional year-end Darts & Laurels, and so little space, we offer a modest selection as rude and varied as the year itself:
PETER MacKAY: For lacklustre excuses. As Canada’s defence minister you enjoy perks like luxury hotel suites and use of our rescue helicopters as your private taxi service. We get it. You feel entitled to your entitlements. But you could at least take the trouble to devise a better pretense for your excesses. A helicopter search and rescue demonstration? Really? You’re just not trying. Look at your cabinet colleague Tony Clement. He got eight of the world’s leaders dragged out to Muskoka last year just to excuse his wanton pork-barrelling. He gets an A for effort.
STANLEY: For perseverance. As the Prime Minister’s cat we can only shudder at what you must endure for your daily bowl of Meow Mix. There’s probably catnip rationing, Kitty Litter cutbacks, and having to listen as Stephen Harper endlessly rehearses his limited repertoire of popular tunes. “What would you do if I sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me?” And there you are, trapped without the power of speech to scream: “Yes, I bloody well would!”
TIM HUDAK: For an intergalactic cover-up. Last month you tweeted a string of apparent gibberish: “Xkdkdkdsdf. $$$$$$$bnncfnrn.” and “Cvbbcbcbnfgbfbfbfbfbf.” You quickly explained that your daughter had been playing with your cellphone. Yeah, sure. Blame the kid. Obviously, these were communications with your home planet. That would explain your oddly wooden performance on the campaign trail as Ontario Conservative leader, and your unearthly policies.
DALTON McGUINTY: For constant inconsistency. After enduring years of criticism for flip-flopping on everything from tax hikes to allowing the gladiatorial combat that is mixed martial arts, a lesser Ontario premier might have changed his ways and tried harder to keep promises. Not you. Even during the last election you flip-flopped on a Mississauga power plant (we’re still waiting to see the bill). And now you’re reversing yourself on banning incandescent bulbs, and are considering backing away from your promise on corporate taxes. Bravo. That’s the reliability we’ve come to expect.
REBECCA BLACK: For mercilessly slapping our ears. You’re only 14 but you’ve already managed to offend all true music aficionados with Friday (just Google it), a mindless anthem so popular on iTunes and YouTube that it’s been viewed more than 180 million times. Featuring poignant lyrics like: “Fun, fun, fun, fun lookin’ forward to the weekend,” and “we, we, we so excited,” it’s low-rent ridiculous. But don’t worry. Your future is assured. A star is born.
VINCE SHLOMI: For disappearing. Most of us know you as that obnoxious Slap Chop guy and are grateful to find you notably absent from our television screens this holiday season. Hopefully you’ve shelved your horrible food-mangling machine, tucked your ShamWow under your arm, and toddled off to permanent retirement. Pity you didn’t take the Chia Pet with you.
ROD BLAGOJEVICH: For keeping faith with history. Your 14-year sentence on corruption charges, including trying to sell President Barack Obama’s Senate seat, makes you the fourth Illinois governor to go to prison in the past four decades. It’s quite a tradition. Two more Illinois governors were charged with crimes but later acquitted. Spoil sports.
ROB and DOUG FORD: For making our job so much easier. On behalf of grateful editorial writers, cartoonists and commentators everywhere, we thank you, Mr. Mayor, and your city councillor brother Doug, for your zealous service to our cause. Your generous girth and small ideas provide endless opportunity for mocking by our colleagues who sketch for a living. And your blatant hypocrisy, heartless cost-cutting, broken promises, feckless waste of money, and 1950s-era vision for the city provide a bonanza for the rest of us. Cheers, you’ve got three more years to go! You’ll surely accomplish more. After all, Rome wasn’t burned in a day.
Original Article
Source: Star
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