Oh, those dandelion-eating, odd-hat-wearing denizens of cafes that sell strange liquors distilled from the glands of beetles, those foreign types excoriated by Natural Resources Minister Joe Oliver in his peculiar letter demonizing those who wish to testify against the Northern Gateway pipeline project.
“They use funding from foreign special interest groups to undermine Canada’s national economic interest,” Oliver wrote resentfully. “They attract jet-setting celebrities with some of the largest personal carbon footprints in the world to lecture Canadians not to develop our natural resources.”
Frankly, when I think of frequent frantic flyers, I don’t think of foreign polar ice-measurers, I think of Peter MacKay and his helicopters and massively expensive 1980s Laura-Ashley-revival fancy Munich hotel room that my taxes paid for.
But Oliver is probably thinking that despicable George Clooney (stroker of Italian starlets, foreigner-lover is not the word for it) might show up, though I am given to understand that Clooney is much more Darfur than Kitimat, B.C.
I had been excited by the prospect of hearings precisely because they might attract smart, cool foreigners. I was hoping for some clever Norwegians, an expert or two from the Sierra Club and, dream of dreams, Matt Damon. I would love to see Damon face off against this Oliver person. You know he played a Texas Ranger in True Grit and an airline pilot in 30 Rock. He imposes Sky Law. I’d like to see him impose Sky Law on Peter MacKay.
It turns out that these dirty foreigners have other bad habits too. They same-sex marry here. So it’s fun for Ottawa to argue in court that they’re not actually married, causing a lot of newlyweds around the planet to burst into tears because Canada is so mean. And we are.
“We have no intention of further reopening or opening this issue,” Stephen Harper told reporters when asked about the legal question a federal lawyer had handed to the court like a gift-wrapped grenade. “Sorry, motherf--ker,” was the response to Harper from American columnist Dan Savage, “but this ‘issue’ — the civil equality of gays and lesbians — is wide open now and your f--king government opened it.”
Savage wasn’t pleased to wake up to find out his “husband” was now merely a long-term date. Savage, the man who made it unwise to Google Rick Santorum’s last name (do not do this, people), is mad at Harper now, even though he panicked and backed down. Foreigners have their little ways of getting even.
Harper does like foreign multinational corporations. It’s foreign people he dislikes. He may not be entirely up on the concept that “corporations are people, my friend,” but he’ll get there.
And when he and his minions express this, they sound like hicks or worse. They sound . . . foreign.
Rather like Syrian President Bashar Assad, who blames the continuing protests in his country on foreign provocateurs. “Regional and international parties who are trying to destabilize Syria can no longer falsify the facts and events,” he recently said. “Regional and international sides have tried to destabilize the country. . . . We will not be lenient with those who work with outsiders.”
Neither would Oliver, although in Canada, unlike in Syria, he would probably just serve them bad coffee and hope they get the message.
Assad can charitably be described as bats, of course. As can Kim Jong-un, whose government website exhorts “Aggressively reject foreign forces!” I love reading North Korean government reporting, which is so formulaic, poorly translated and mendacious that it reaches the level of poetry.
And then I think of the sufferings of North Koreans, apparently living under the jackboot of vile foreigners “who intensify worship of other countries including the United States,” and I grow confused about whom to hate and whom to pity.
I do pity the foreign targets of Ottawa’s planned Office of Religious Freedom. What a bossy thing to do.
Imagine foreigners coming to Canada and preaching about oil pipeline ruptures. Imagine us flying far and wide telling people they can pray. Imagine the nerve of that.
Original Article
Source: Star
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