The aim of this magazine is to suggest a number of ways in which to improve our democratic process. Rather than feed you more utopian drivel, I’m going to grab you by the scruff of your rationality and drag you back down to Earth. The fact is, democracy is a fundamentally weak system of government. It’s time we trade in the tattered rags of compromise for the purple robes of royalty. Yes, that’s right, I propose Canada become an absolute monarchy.
“What?” you collectively gasp, “Go back to being a British colony?” While the British are undoubtedly our cultural superiors (their reality television is more sophisticated, their street riots more refined, and their food more meticulously deep-fried) that is not what I’m suggesting. No, I propose we start an independent, Canadian monarchy. A monarchy we can be proud of, that we can point to one day and say to our grandchildren, “Top that you little punks.”
I’ll admit it was fun to pretend to be the boss for a bit. We had a lot of elections, and there was that whole “women’s suffrage” fad. But while democracy has become more sophisticated since it started as a mere party game in ancient Alexandria (invented by wealthy merchant Carl Democracy when he came up with a novel solution to decide who was to be the first to disrobe and jump into the giant tub of wine at his slavewarming party), it has nonetheless been mostly ineffective. So-called “elections” are little more than a beauty contest (case in point: Stephen “Chiseled From God’s Marble” Harper), and many Canadians don’t even bother to vote (case in point: me).
“Hey!” you collectively shout, “Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater!” Oh what, this baby? (I am holding a baby with soiled diapers and the word “INEFFICIENCY” tattooed across its chest while I point to it with a look of disdain on my face) I think we could all do without that baby. (I discard the aforementioned baby along with the aforementioned bathwater, then pause to nod with satisfaction). I’d much rather bathe this (I hold up a new baby, with a long, noble chin and a tiny crown).
“OK!” you collectively rejoice, “I’ve been swayed by your astute analysis and formidable intellect. But how do we end democracy as soon as possible?” First, let me be clear I am certainly not suggesting we have God Himself appoint a Head of State for Canada. While He took on that responsibility several times for countless other monarchs, He’s far too busy these days lobbying against gay marriage and making toys for Christmas. I propose instead we have The Final Vote. One last hurrah before we send democracy on its way. The Final Vote would determine our inaugural Canadian King and Queen. They will thereafter reside in the Parliament buildings, as soon as they are converted into a glorious palace with a moat that will double as a skating rink in the winter.
“We look forward to it!” you collectively sing in a falsetto, “But who will administer royal decrees?” Once elected, the new King and Queen shall appoint several underlings to do their bidding. These may be former co-workers, old friends, a horse or maybe even a woman. It’s not important because it’s no longer our business. And that’s the beauty of monarchy: we don’t need to make any more decisions! They keep society organized so we may be free to spend more time with family, friends, television shows and porn.
Thereafter, the King and Queen will be expected to breed in abundance (keep in mind during The Final Vote that you may want to skew young, or at least virile), providing us with many generations of royalty to rule us, provide us with fodder for gossip and humble us with their lavish lifestyles and expensive, imported skin.
So you can read the rest of this magazine and see how maybe a bit of lipstick here and mascara there can cover up the hideous face of democracy. But deep down we all know that the best solution is to replace that ugly mug completely with the noble, jewel-encrusted fist of monarchy.
“Let’s do this!” you collectively cheer, torches and pitchforks aloft, ready to restore civilization to Canada.
Let’s do this, indeed.
Original Article
Source: iPolitico
“What?” you collectively gasp, “Go back to being a British colony?” While the British are undoubtedly our cultural superiors (their reality television is more sophisticated, their street riots more refined, and their food more meticulously deep-fried) that is not what I’m suggesting. No, I propose we start an independent, Canadian monarchy. A monarchy we can be proud of, that we can point to one day and say to our grandchildren, “Top that you little punks.”
I’ll admit it was fun to pretend to be the boss for a bit. We had a lot of elections, and there was that whole “women’s suffrage” fad. But while democracy has become more sophisticated since it started as a mere party game in ancient Alexandria (invented by wealthy merchant Carl Democracy when he came up with a novel solution to decide who was to be the first to disrobe and jump into the giant tub of wine at his slavewarming party), it has nonetheless been mostly ineffective. So-called “elections” are little more than a beauty contest (case in point: Stephen “Chiseled From God’s Marble” Harper), and many Canadians don’t even bother to vote (case in point: me).
“Hey!” you collectively shout, “Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater!” Oh what, this baby? (I am holding a baby with soiled diapers and the word “INEFFICIENCY” tattooed across its chest while I point to it with a look of disdain on my face) I think we could all do without that baby. (I discard the aforementioned baby along with the aforementioned bathwater, then pause to nod with satisfaction). I’d much rather bathe this (I hold up a new baby, with a long, noble chin and a tiny crown).
“OK!” you collectively rejoice, “I’ve been swayed by your astute analysis and formidable intellect. But how do we end democracy as soon as possible?” First, let me be clear I am certainly not suggesting we have God Himself appoint a Head of State for Canada. While He took on that responsibility several times for countless other monarchs, He’s far too busy these days lobbying against gay marriage and making toys for Christmas. I propose instead we have The Final Vote. One last hurrah before we send democracy on its way. The Final Vote would determine our inaugural Canadian King and Queen. They will thereafter reside in the Parliament buildings, as soon as they are converted into a glorious palace with a moat that will double as a skating rink in the winter.
“We look forward to it!” you collectively sing in a falsetto, “But who will administer royal decrees?” Once elected, the new King and Queen shall appoint several underlings to do their bidding. These may be former co-workers, old friends, a horse or maybe even a woman. It’s not important because it’s no longer our business. And that’s the beauty of monarchy: we don’t need to make any more decisions! They keep society organized so we may be free to spend more time with family, friends, television shows and porn.
Thereafter, the King and Queen will be expected to breed in abundance (keep in mind during The Final Vote that you may want to skew young, or at least virile), providing us with many generations of royalty to rule us, provide us with fodder for gossip and humble us with their lavish lifestyles and expensive, imported skin.
So you can read the rest of this magazine and see how maybe a bit of lipstick here and mascara there can cover up the hideous face of democracy. But deep down we all know that the best solution is to replace that ugly mug completely with the noble, jewel-encrusted fist of monarchy.
“Let’s do this!” you collectively cheer, torches and pitchforks aloft, ready to restore civilization to Canada.
Let’s do this, indeed.
Original Article
Source: iPolitico
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