Tips for Protesters

Tampa Police will hand out a guide with tips for protesters during the Republican National Convention. The Tampa Bay Times reports the guide has maps of the official parade route, the designated protest areas, and places to use the restroom, cool off, get water and seek first aide.

    —Associated Press

Welcome, protester, and greetings from the Tampa Police! We’re extremely glad you’re here protesting, for reasons that have everything to do with our shared love of the Constitution and free speech and absolutely nothing to do with our eagerness to try out the new rubber bullets.

Now, we can already hear you asking, “But how can I know how to protest safely and effectively, given how undereducated and lazy I probably am?” Glad you asked! Here are some simple tips:

    • Your safety is our most important priority. For this reason, it is not recommended that you protest if you are elderly, pregnant, disabled, or allergic to being tasered.

    • We’ve set up several “free-speech zones” throughout the area. To find them, locate the red X on the attached map. Buried a mile and a half beneath that X is the first clue of a scavenger hunt that will lead to the free-speech zones.

    • You can also create your own free-speech zone—anywhere you’d like—by placing a gag in your mouth.

    • There are a few areas that, for reasons of safety, are off-limits to protesters. These include the interior of the Tampa Bay Times Forum, the area directly adjacent to the Tampa Bay Times Forum, and the state of Florida.

    • Everyone knows that the most effective way to protest is in so-called “ready position”: chin against your chest, knees on the ground, wrists held together behind your back, and thinking hard about your grievances.

    • Why not spice things up this year by yelling new slogans? Some suggestions:

        “We—are—the ninety-nine per cent of protesters who are orderly and coöperative!”

        “We’re really, really mad and that’s why we’re whispering.”

        “Everything’s great!” (said while winking ironically)

    • Another great way to protest is with a sign or placard. To really get the G.O.P.’s goat, mail it to them overnight.

    • We all know protests can get a bit rowdy. That’s why we’ve designated a “safe word” that you can call out if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation and would like assistance from the authorities. This year, the safe word is “I-surrender-my-Miranda-rights.”

If you get thirsty, there are several designated areas in the immediate vicinity where you can lie down and slowly recede into madness.

Happy protesting!

Original Article
Source: new yorker
Author: Nathaniel Stein