Now he just knocks down female city councillors like Pam McConnell on his way to a rumble in the council chamber at Toronto City Hall. If he’d been a pulling guard on the Argo line, the boys in double blue would still be in the thick of things. Fat lips all around.
Thank God, Rob Ford has come to Jesus — twice in the same week. First, Brother Doug — the other half of this possessed WWF tag-team — compared what was happening to his brother to the Crucifixion. The evangelical set must be thrilled. Rob as Christ.
Then Rob himself actually came to Jesus in an unusual way, entering through the tear ducts of Canada’s finance minister. When Rob saw Jim Flaherty doing the worst dry choke-up seen on TV since Jim Bakker fleeced the flock and repented, he called Brother Doug and said he was going to turn his life around. Hallelujah! Jimbo be praised!
That’s right, Jim Flaherty inspired Rob Ford to come to Jesus. He can balance not only budgets but wayward mayors too. The Prodigal Crackhead has promised to lose weight, drink tomato juice without the other stuff, give up drugs, stop driving when addled, stop lying, stop hanging out with hoods, and act like a mayor again.
Martyrdom can be lonely, though. According to the Fords, the only politician to call Rob Ford as he stumbled towards Gethsemane with his crown of bottle caps and cross was Flaherty. What did the finance minister say to him? Hate the sin, but love the seats — especially in the 905?
Now that Rob has come to Jesus, miracle follows miracle. Everyone is inspired. Take Kory Teneycke, VP of Sun News. It is so tragic that he didn’t get that must-carry designation for his company from the CRTC. What other network television executive do you know who would offer a self-confessed crack cocaine user, serial liar and booze machine his own daily TV show? (Okay — all of them.)
But Kory’s clearly a cut above the others. He says the Fords will be like a “Barbara Walters” interview. That’s great, Kory — a tell-all of everything that’s already been told, just not the public relations version. But all of us know how tough you will be, surrounded as you are by all those champions of free speech.
The Born-Again Ford brothers have also been given the gift of tongues. Since they were saved, incredible things have been coming out of their mouths. Incredible things have always come out of their mouths, but these things are different. They are not demonstrably false.
An example: Stripping Rob Ford of all but his statutory powers is nothing less than a “coup d’etat.” That’s right — Toronto has been taken over by a massive majority of the city councillors it elected after Brother Rob strayed into crack-cocaine use and offered unwanted details of what he eats.
So grab your pitchforks, Ford-Jesus Nation, and get down to Nathan Philips Square and show those peace, order and good government wusses what’s what.
But it’s worse than just a coup d’etat, as Brother Rob noted. He called it the Kuwait invasion all over again — casting himself as Kuwait and the political opposition and media as the lately resurrected Saddam Hussein. Here is what he-who-repeats-things-thrice actually said:
“This, folks, reminds me of when I was watching with my brother when Saddam attacked Kuwait and President Bush said, ‘I warn you, I warn you, I warn you, do not.’ Well folks, if you think American-style politics is nasty, you guys have just attacked Kuwait … this is going to be outright war in the next election.”
Who said you could fit this guy’s geopolitical knowledge into a mickey of vodka? He’s clearly a Kissinger in the making. No wonder he wants to be prime minister. Don’t laugh. Current affairs teaches us that anyone can make it. Besides, the man has survived both crucifixion and invasion and has Jim Flaherty as a spiritual advisor. What more could you ask of a leader?
The Fords have found not only redemption but revelation. The real story here? It’s not chugging vodka out of the bottle in the mayor’s office, buying dope, or threatening to kill people. It’s the police.
Police Chief Bill Blair is the one who should be resigning. That’s right, it’s just like O.J. and the LAPD. It’s all Blair’s fault, the big tattletale. Why did he hold that press conference and say there was a video of the mayor with a bunch of guys — some living, some dead — appearing to smoke crack?
The mayor had already denied that a thousand times. And even if Brother Rob did finally admit it was true, didn’t you hear him say they never asked him the right question? Didn’t you hear him say he was sorry? Didn’t you hear him say it was time to move forward?
Like it or not, Chief Blair, it’s not you they’re asking to appear on Anderson Cooper. It’s not you sipping water with Peter Mansbridge on The National, telling three unchallenged whoppers in the first five minutes. It’s not you getting personal phone calls of support from Canada’s finance minister. Did you know that Harper cabinet minister Chris Alexander practically dislocated his tongue trying not to criticize Rob Ford? Would your friends do that for you?
Some smartass in the media is bound to ask the prime minister the following question. Suppose Rob Ford was in your cabinet. Suppose he admitted to smoking crack, drinking and driving, buying drugs and running around with people not in the Salvation Army. Would you kick him out?
There is a certain logic to this clearly perverse question, given that the prime minister banished former cabinet minister Helena Guergis for allegations of drug use and keeping unsavory company. In fact, the PM was so upset by the mere whiff of sleaze that the former beauty queen was totally ostracized. Even after the RCMP exonerated her of all the “allegations”, she remained an Un-Tory.
Why did he hand Guergis over to the RCMP but agree to Flaherty’s commiserating call to a real doper? Because Guergis didn’t have a Nation behind her, that’s why. She represented just one seat. Mayor Ford held the key to dozens. In politics, you have to be practical.
Besides, these men have so much in common. They share a love of fishing. They both believe the truth is mutable, to be spun as necessary. They have both fired their chiefs of staff.
I might add that, arising out of circumstances in their respective offices, both former chiefs of staff felt the need to go to the police. Nothing like having your offices under investigation for a true bonding experience. Uniting the base — even in scandal.
So I hope that explains the worst of it. One more thing. Some of Mayor Rob Ford’s political enemies have tried to make something of the fact that he has hired a criminal lawyer and won’t talk to authorities.
Utter nonsense. When you’ve come to Jesus, you don’t have to bother going to the police. Besides, this is about dictatorship, police prosecution, political opportunism, media smears, and the failure to appreciate a Christ-like mayor who has declared war on every windmill within tilting distance in the name of preserving democracy and the rule of law.
Here are some of the things that people who smoke crack-cocaine experience: Severe depression, irritability and mood disturbances, aggressive paranoid activities, delirium or psychosis and increased frequency of risky behaviour.
I repeat: Thank God Rob Ford has found Jim Flaherty, Jesus, and someone who knows he ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.
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